Dear Sir at Starbucks

The look in the Barista’s eyes at the customer behind me was almost too much for me.

“Venti nonfat vanilla latte no whip extra foam 4 Equals 130 degrees with a splash stick.”

Seriously, sir?

So what you basically want, besides something as extremely sweet and lacking in any discernible nutritional value, is a glass of really hot, saccharine milk???

Tell me, Mr. Starbucks- what happens when the Barista doesn’t get all the way to 130? Is 125 OK with you, Mr. Power Suit?  Do you realize that the confident in-charge image you project with your pinstripes is totally and utterly obliterated by your Elton John coffee? That you are officially more of a girl than I am, with your degree-specific libation teeming with hot…air?

And a splash stick????

Thank you, Mr. Four Packets of Equal. Today, with my grande coffee of the day (leave room for cream), you have made me feel more of a man than I ever have felt.

It might just be that easy…

5-year-old: Mommy, I have found the perfect boy for me.

Me: Already?? I mean- you have?

5-year-old: Yes. His name is Max. He sits in front of me.

Me: And how do you know that he’s the one for you?

5-year-old: Well, he’s my best friend.

Me: That’s good.

5-year-old: Plus, I can spell his name. M-A-X.

Me: Yeah, he sounds perfect.

5-year-old: He is.

Is there an echo in here?

(Scene: interior of home, kitchen. CHILD, 13 months, and MOM, engaged in “conversation”).

CHILD: Duh!

MOM: Yes, love? You want a grape?

CHILD: Duh! (Pointing).

MOM: (Looking where indicated, somewhere slightly above the exhaust fan on stove). Um, a banana?

CHILD: Duh!

MOM: How about some goldfish?

CHILD: Duh! (Pointing now somewhere near the trash can).

MOM: Uh…no goldfish? Some apple sauce?

CHILD: DUH! (Adamant).

MOM: Oh, sweet pea- I don’t know what it is you want!

CHILD: BA!

MOM: Ohhhh….

CHILD: BA! ! (Signs: “more”, “please”, “milk”).

MOM: Ok, love. I’ll get your bottle.

CHILD: Duh!

MOM: Yeah, duh is right.

To the Guy Who’s Late…

…one HOUR late.

For your FINAL EXAM.

Which I reminded you about. Four times.

Heyy there Mister! You look pretty sleepy. Been up all night studying? Yeah, I thought not.

Whatcha got for me? Car wreck? Traffic too much for ya? Police show up at your house to arrest you? Again?

Look, if you could manage something halfway convincing, I might let you take this thing.

…

You know your shirt’s on backwards, right?

So, what was it? Alarm clock? Family crisis? Downed power lines?

Long line at the Starbucks?

…

Ok. Since perceptibly you’re incapable of fabricating a reasoning beyond “I dunno whut happund”, I decline to accomodate your laggard ingress to my locality of educative proceedings and wish that you might osculate my tuchis. You could potentially be accorded an approbation derived from the foreperson of my academic division, but your future remains dubious under my jurisdiction. Regardless, the summer session’s aperture is imminent, and, as you possess not an iota of a prospect of achieving the quantitative or qualitative measure to matriculate from my bailiwick, I recommend a hasty matriculaton for the first available section commencing in a fortnight.  

And may God have mercy upon your soul.

F-f-f-Friday

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Evenshine!

1. Evenshine can remain conscious for fifteen to twenty seconds after being decapitated. Don’t try this at home, folks!
2. Evenshine has a memory span of three seconds. Um, yeah. Must be “mommy brain”, cause after I- wait. What was I saying?
3. Evenshine can sleep for three and a half years. And does, frequently, when she can bribe her husband with wine and food.
4. Evenshine is the world’s smallest mammal. That’s me, tiny but mighty, and vicious when awoken from hibernation.
5. Every day in the UK, four people die putting Evenshine on. Well, hopefully not. Nothing against Brits, but put me on at your own risk.
6. Evenshine is the traditional gift for a couple on their third wedding anniversary! Right after paper and coral- a nice set of gold-plated Evenshines will really do the trick.
7. It takes 17 muscles to smile, and 43 to frown at Evenshine. And people really seem to like to exercise around me.
8. The horns of Evenshine are made entirely from hair. Horns??? I guess I do need a trim…
9. Neil Armstrong first stepped on Evenshine with his left foot! And then his right. Not sure who that’s a great step for, but Neil and I go waaay back.
10. On stone temples in southern India, there are more than 30 million carved images of Evenshine! Goddess of destruction, I think. I accept ritual offerings of gold and silver M-F from 8am to 10pm. And please don’t feed the monkeys.

Make your own here. Go on. You know you want to.