Inspired by the heroics of Antropologa, I decided to confirm that I was, indeed, registered to vote in my current district, so as to wait in as long of a line as possible on Election Day. Should you, too, want to show your dedication to the electoral process, I highly recommend that you NOT follow the directions below. Because I? Am an electoral idiot.
HOW TO BE A DEDICATED VOTER
1. (Sometime in July) Realize that you may not be registered to vote.
2. Think about filling out a registration. Peruse the magazines at the library.
3. (Sometime in August) Oh, yeah, the election.
4. (Sometime in September) Palin??? Obama??? …maybe I should check on that registration.
5. (Sometime in October, to the nice guy at the library) “Ummm…do you have any voter registration forms? ”
6. (Two days before the deadline) “Name:….address…”
7. (Sometime in November) Hmmmm….never did receive notice, or a card, or sumptin’…
8. (Sometime very close to the actual election day) “Maybe I should call the elections office. Now where might I find that number??? Ahhhh- Google. Here it is. (Dialing).
12. Thank you! For calling the elections office of XYZ County! We! Are experiencing an abnormally high number of calls at this! Exact! Moment! Please! Listen to mind-numbing music while you wait! We! Have operators busy on all! Lines! Please hold!
15. (An hour and a half later. I told you I was dedicated). XYZ County Elections.
Me: Yes! I need to know if I am registered in my county.
Them: Please hold.
Them: Your name and DOB?
Me: Evenshine, Day/Month/Year.
Them: Were you registered in ABCville?
Them: We have you as living in ABCville. On 123 Lane? Ring any bells??? And did you really think we’d let you register this late in the game??? And why aren’t you already registered??? Are you clinically ignorant, or just pathologically stupid??? Low IQ? You know there’s an intelligence requirement to vote, right??
(or maybe it was more like)
Them: We have you as living in ABCville. On 123 Lane?
Me: (mouselike) I sent in my registration for my current address-
Them: Yes. We have it. You’re registered at BigHonkinChurchDownTheRoad.
Them: Bring your ID.
Them: And a lot of patience.
16. (Election day) Wait in long lines. Freeze. Vote for a candidate. Spend the rest of the 4 years saying, “don’t blame me…I VOTED. For someone else, but I VOTED.”
Good luck to all you voting. It’s a jungle out there.