To the guy in the back row

Hey, good morning!

You know it’s 1:30pm, right? That class has been over for ten minutes?

I know, it must be hard to hear your professor from the back row. Me saying things like “phonetic markings” and “principal stress”. The baseball cap scrunched down over your eyes might impede your vision when attempting to view the projected images at the front of the class.

So might the slower brainwaves of REM stage sleep.

Look, I’m not asking much. The class is only 50 minutes long. Not like we’re even in heavy concentration mode for more than 30 of those.

And none of what I say is an impediment to you doing your homework. You know, that work you should be doing…at home? You know, that place your classmates visited to try and get you to participate in the group project? The one you turned in alone, since they couldn’t get a response from you?

Good grief, it’s not even Ramadan.

So…you planning on passing? Yes?

Ok, then. Here’s what you need to do. First, I’m not sure if you’re aware of it, but class starts at 12:30. PM. Yeah, that’s during the day.

Secondly, it helps to be awake if you want to learn. Just a suggestion.

Thirdly, since you now have more absences and tardies than is allowed by the Board of Regents for one semester, you’re going to have to throw yourself on my mercy, to abase yourself before my untenured greatness.

I suggest chocolate.

Or some of that bling you wear around your neck.

Cause you know what? I’m not rolling in the dough. I get up pretty early in the morning, drive an hour in traffic, and make it to class. I get paid by the class hour. They don’t give me extra for the hours I spend grading your sorry work at home. They don’t even give me benefits.

So the next time you’re thinking about just quietly snoozing away my class, let me give you some valuable advice:

Diamonds.

Then we’ll talk grades.

Capiche?

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6 Responses to To the guy in the back row

  1. ck says:

    Any chance he’d wind up in your class again next semester if you failed him? I would LOVE the power to fail someone who continuously slept through the important things I was trying to tell them.

    Not like there’s anyone in my life who does that or anything…

  2. KathyB! says:

    Good grief evenshine! You’re quite prolific today.

    It *would* be fun to fail someone. Good idea ck!!

    I fired one of my daughters the other day. Not from anything in particular. Just told her she was fired. I thought it was sort of funny. I might have to blog about that one 🙂

  3. Emily says:

    to slightly correct ck, you would not be failing him; he would be failing your class.

  4. Adriana says:

    Ha! I get those but in the early classes (if you can call 9am early) and late afternoon classes (330pm)…but I’ve never had a student fall completely asleep!

  5. Ink says:

    Right ON, professor! I am so loving this vent!

  6. faemom says:

    Um, as a excellent student who could NEVER stay awake during those early afternoon classes (because I belong to a siesta culture), I like to say I never snored, never overslept, never missed a class, and never got caught looking like a fool when I was called upon because I did MY homework. Trust me my professors tried and TRIED to slip me up. I’m just not an auditory learner. 🙂 So cheer up, prof. We’re all not that bad.

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