I promise I remember the days of hyperemesis, when my body cried out for nutrition but always heaved it back up in a matter of minutes, halfway digested. Salad was the worst: those green, crunchy leaves would wreak havoc on my esophagus. I remember the ligament pain, the waddling, the stretching, the lack of sleep.

But somehow, I’m still thinking about you.

I’m thinking about those short, pixellated moments directly after birth with you sobbing on my chest, and me heaving in exhaustion. Feeling in real time what I’ve been feeling for the months before within my belly.  

Yes, I still want another head to wash in the bath at night, baby curls encrusted with the day’s leavings. I want to rock with another sweaty head on my shoulder in the wee hours, to calm the fears of another sleepless one. Most often I think of my favorites: swaddling, nursing, and the burbles: you know- that gelatinous sound you’d make, trying to talk to me.

I am still thinking of you. Imagining who you’d be, what path you’d take. What disaster you’d be in my life, what sweetness, what exhaustion.

And I think: there are not enough reasons not. And so many for.  

And I think: I hope you come soon.

This entry was posted in children, family, motherhood, pregnancy and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to #3

  1. Ink says:

    This is so powerful, Evenshine… Hugs.

  2. antropologa says:

    I kind of wish I knew how you felt since I’m supposed to start gearing up to get pregnant again, but really I am not interested in any of it.

  3. evenshine says:

    Antro- what do you mean: how I feel about YOU having another, or about ME having another, or about having another in general?

  4. antropologa says:

    About having another in general–the desire. I just don’t have any baby lust. And I especially don’t have pregnancy lust.

  5. Jennifer says:

    That is so powerful and beautiful. I wish I felt the same way. I’m like Antro — I have no pregnancy lust. In fact, at the moment I feel very anti-pregnancy…pro-baby, just anti-pregnancy.

  6. Evenshine says:

    Haha! Maybe this is an indication that we all need to adopt! Save the waistline, enjoy the baby bliss!

  7. ck says:

    I read this a few times yesterday and again today. It is so beautifully written, Evenshine. I’ve been completely satisfied with two children. And reading this gave that baby twinge for the very first time in nearly three years. I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY.

  8. Wow. Did I miss something, evenshine? Are you just mulling, or are you actually? And just to let you know, you’re outnumbered at three but it’s a very good number.

  9. Adriana says:

    I think this is beautiful; and we are longing for our first….after I get a few things fixed first (Dr. prescribed). I say go for it!

  10. SAHM-I-AM says:

    What beautiful words. I’ve been reading this post over and over. Hmmm, am I having baby longings, again? Lovely post. Thank you.

  11. evenshine says:

    Thanks, Sahm!

  12. faemom says:

    This was a beautiful post.
    Let me tell you. I wrestled with my decision for months, thinking, praying, debating, meditating. So many cons and yet so many pros. Good luck.

  13. Que bello…really, really beautiful, I’d love to have another baby, or adopt, I have baby lust, but not in a position to have another, however, eternally grateful for my two…


  14. evenshine says:

    Gracias, Limoncita…and bendiciones to you, too.

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