Step away from the baby

Has anyone else read the eight different kinds of crazy (to use TKW’s phrase) that is this article on stars’ baby names? Being a baby name trend afficionada (I know, NERD ALERT!), I had to spend some time with the prescription-drug induced whack-jobs that are parents in L.A.

Having gone on on record before as being against the psychosis of idiotic child naming practices, this was a treat. On one hand, I have to laud the inventiveness of these Hollywood starlets. It’s a breath of fresh California air NOT to hear twenty-nine variations of Kayla or Madison, Jacob or Aidan (Aiden? Eiden? Ayden? Eyden??!!). I praise them for not adding to the hoarde of Isabellas and Olivias that will descend upon future classrooms.

However….what kind of jiggy juice was Nicole Richie jugging when she decided that avian life was suitable inspiration for her child? Sparrow Midnight is going to have issues. Elementary school kids can be hella-mean. “Sparrow” is going to spend quite a few recesses stuffed in the janitor’s closet, methinks.

And can someone tell Anne Heche to lay off the peyote? I’m quick to chalk up her unhappy choice of “Atlas Tupper” to her long history of cuckoo, but her first child, bravely named Homer Laffoon, makes me officially question her sanity. Seriously, Anne? Were you going for dork or just wandering into psychotica-land for “laffs”?

The cream of the proverbial (and artistically deranged) crop has got to be Jamie Oliver, of Naked Chef fame. I can tell you, he can work a mean puff pastry shepherd’s pie, but the poor deranged thing needs guidance on child-naming. Baby girl Petal Blossom Rainbow joined the crew this year at Rainbow Brite headquarters: sisters Daisy Boo and Poppy Honey will play in the strawberry patch together, I’m sure. And isn’t a petal part of a blossom? Stick to the kitchen, Jamie honey. Wait- “Jamie Honey”…hmmmm…..

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13 Responses to Step away from the baby

  1. antropologa says:

    You know, I don’t mind the crazy celeb names so much. Those kids are going to be standing out a bit either way. It’s the stupid misspellings that really get me worked up. It’s just dumb. It makes the kids look dumb, too, coming from dumb families.

  2. Ink says:

    I’m still trying to figure out how to pronounce Nick Cage’s son’s comicbook name. (Kal-El)

  3. evenshine says:

    A- hear, hear. Gynnyphar? Catie? Djeikob? (I made that last one up.)

    I- Kalel? Like Superman? Nick Cage has multiple issues…so it’s not surprising. 😉

  4. amy2boys says:

    hehe. I hadn’t heard about Chef Jamie’s kids. I thought Bob Geldof was bad (Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa, and Little Pixie). (And, the mother of these 3 girls also had another daughter – named Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily.)

  5. faemom says:

    Is it ok to name a baby after a car? I really like Mustang.

  6. myra36 says:

    I used to be a huge fan of Gwen Stefani. When she named her first son “Kingston”, I thought “Finally, a cool celebrity baby name!”. Then her second child was named “Zuma Nesta Rock”. Right….

    “Apple” (Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin) doesn’t sound so bad now.

  7. I just read an article today about celebrities and their children. It mentioned Nicole Richie and I thought, she might as well have named the boy “Wimp” because “Sparrow” just asks for a punch in the gut.

  8. insider53 says:

    Ha ha! This reminds me of Mayor Hogg in Texas who was so disappointed when he had daughters instead of sons that he named them Ima and Ura Hogg. I understand they married young so they could change their last names.

  9. Sparrow’s a boy? Wow, it was bad enough when I assumed it was a girl.

    It’s a good thing these kids will grow up with money. They’re going to have to spend a lot on therapy.

  10. Laughing here–those are hideous! Still, if you name your kid Homer Laffoon, just put a “Kick Me” sign on his forehead. Jesus.

  11. sahm i am says:

    LOL. These celeb names are news to me … I’m so out of the loop. Thanks for the laugh.

  12. Pingback: Siete « Evenshine’s Weblog

  13. See, I’ve defended Apple and Coco for exactly the reasons we all agree to laugh at Sparrow and Pilot Inspektor. At least Apple is a word that has positive connotations, and that is sweet. Coco was at least someone’s name, and is easy to spell.
    Don’t these celebs, who are of the generation (if not younger) in which Dweezil and Moon Unit were mocked MERCILESSLY and publicly and for their whole lives, understand what their kids are in for?
    (Also, please send me the list of names you liked but didn’t choose for your new babe because we’re stymied…)

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