Thank you for your recent submission of a “friend request” to Evenshine’s FaceBook page. While the action may be considered as some to be “friending” another, implying that you, solely, control the decision to connect with her, this institution regards the process in somewhat of a different light.
Many considerations go into our decision, which is unanimous and final, to accept or “ignore” (please read- DENY IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS) your request for a connection. Some of these considerations include the following:
1. Your original relationship to Evenshine. Does she remember, with deeply-engrained and irreversible horror, your socially torturous behavior to her in high school? This includes, but is not limited to, that time you stole her boyfriend, spreading the story about how you and he made out behind the wheel of his new Ford Ranger, hiding her Trapper Keeper in the nearest trash can EVERY time she looked away, or making bunny ears behind her head in the NHS yearbook photo.
2. Your commitment to and ethical use of FaceBook. How often do you update your status? Monthly? You may not qualify. Hourly? You also may not qualify. Daily or biweekly updates are all she cares to read, unless, of course, you refer to #3 (see below). Also, what is the substance (if anything) of your updates? Evenshine is buried under a mound of information from students, her husband, and her two angelic children. She is not interested in your No-bake Easy Triple Chunk Coffee Cake or your activities with the Junior League.
3. How much of a commitment are you willing to give to actually interacting with Evenshine through the use of this social media? If she leaves you a comment, a serious consideration of the ramifications of not responding should be primary in your conscious.
4. How many photos of the skinny, tanned, surgically-enhanced new YOU will you be posting?
Again, please be patient as we ascertain your probable responses to the above questions. Don’t call us: we’ll call you.