Dear Student Who Asks A Million Questions: I get it. You’re dedicated. Now shut it and do the exam. Try reading the questions first, before you ask me what to do.
Dear Student Who Looks Like He Has a Headache: You’re not fooling anyone. I see your eyes darting meaningfully at the students’ papers closest to you. You may as well wave red flags at me and look things up on your iPod, carefully balanced on your thigh.
Dear Student Who Says He’s Using His iPod to Keep an Eye on the Time: Give it up. Dictionary.com won’t help you at this point. I’ve been wanting a new iPhone, anyway.
Dear Student Who’s Apparently Mining for Gold: YECH. Seriously??? Your paper will be vomit-inducing enough. Leave the boogers for later.
Dear Student Who Hasn’t Been Around for Three Weeks But Still Comes to the Final Exam, for Reasons Unknown: %#*@^#!?.
Dear Student Who Immediately Wants to Know His Grade: Guess what, peon? I get to spend all weekend grading the horse manure you just dumped on my desk, which takes time from other activities I’d rather be doing, such as searching for missing socks, cleaning bathrooms and watching paint dry. Ask me again and I might have to truss you up like a Thanksgiving turkey and beat you with your own dictionary, while howling the rules for modified adverbial phrases to the moon.
Dear Student Who Finishes on Time and Does Decent Work: You continue to exist in some imaginary world, inhabited by friendly bus drivers, beautiful lunch ladies, and honest politicians. Do come and visit some time. I promise I’ll put away the dictionary and stop howling.